The Perpetual Tourist

Every year since 2004, I’ve been coming to Gatlinburg for a week-long bridge tournament in April. The Gatlinburg Convention Center is the size of a small city, and it’s always filled to capacity with bridge players when I visit. The bridge tournament is really spectacular, for sure, but if you’re a bridge player, you already know all about it, so we’ll skip that part and talk about the area instead.

Nestled in Tennessee’s Smoky Mountains, adjacent to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, Gatlinburg is a really ugly city in a really beautiful area. Truthfully, there’s a lot to hate about this place — it’s the tackiest place on earth, full of tourist traps and crowds everywhere you go — but there’s a lot to love, too. I always have a blast when I visit.

Lodging here is cheap, which is probably why it’s always so crowded here, and there’s a lot to do, for sure. Walking through town, you’d think the main drag was sponsored by Ripley’s. There’s the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Aquarium, Believe It Or Not Museum, Haunted Adventure, Mini Golf, Moving Theater — you get the idea. Speaking of tourist traps, the entire main strip of the city is one giant strip mall, featuring cheap (and not-so-cheap) souvenirs like airbrushed t-shirts and old-time photo studios. For just a few bucks, you can get some fun keepsakes. I’ll be forever envious of a friend who last year had a custom-made airbrush t-shirt featuring a grizzly bear fighting a kitty cat under a rainbow in the Smokies. It is simultaneously the most awful and most wonderful t-shirt I have ever seen, and it’s exactly the kind of shopping one should plan for in this town.

Did I mention Dollywood is just down the street, in neighboring Pigeon Forge? See, lots to do here.

I call this place Vegas away from Vegas because it’s like Las Vegas’ forgotten step-sister. There are no casinos here (this is God’s country, after all), and probably fewer prostitutes, but there are quickie wedding chapels, glitzy shows, and of course, all the aforementioned tourist traps. I checked out the Great China Circus here a few years ago. The advertisement made it look like a Cirque de Soleil performance with acrobats, contortionists, and various other performers with unique and impressive talents. It was kind of cool, but it left a lot to be desired. If it’s the shows that draw you in, I’d say you should go to Vegas instead.

One show here that certainly won’t be playing in Vegas is The Miracle, which I haven’t seen for myself, but I’ve deduced from advertisements that it’s a musical Jesus vs. Satan showdown — fun for the whole family!

Okay, so the Gatlinburg strip is a pretty wretched place — fun in small doses, but don’t plan to stick around in this part of town. The real vacation is in the national park. I read once that this park gets more visitors annually than all of the other national parks in the US combined. It is a gorgeous place for a hike, a camping trip, whitewater rafting, or just some quiet time in nature. Shame on you if you visit Gatlinburg without spending time in the park.

Peak tourist season is in the summer here, but it’s lovely in the spring and less crowded, which is definitely a plus. Not all the shops and restaurants stay open in the off season, but there’s always something to see or do, so you won’t miss much other than crowds if you come sometime other than summer. Despite all the crowds and all the tackiness, something about this place just keeps drawing me back, and I suspect I’ll continue to come each year for a long time.