The Perpetual Tourist

The following is a true story about how airport security is making the skies safer for all travelers. Shortly after Sept. 11, 2001, I took a flight to New York City to visit my brother for a week. This was at the absolute height of all the security crackdowns and paranoia, and getting through the security checkpoint was a nightmare. For my 45-minute flight, I was advised to arrive three hours early to the airport, and I needed every minute of that time, as the security lines were endless.

I had my laptop in my carry-on backpack, but all the cords were in my checked luggage, and the battery was broken, so I couldn’t turn it on without the plugs. When I got to the front of the line and realized that they were making everyone turn on their laptops for inspection, I realized I might have a problem. I started sweating about having my computer confiscated, or being detained for failing to comply with a law I didn’t even know about. I was so nervous that by the time I got to go through the metal detector, I probably really looked like I was up to something. I took off my shoes, assumed the position for my complimentary pat-down, and then approached the last TSA agent in a long line of uniforms that each traveler was required to visit.

He asked me to turn on my laptop. It was open on a table in front of us, and I started to explain. “I can’t. The battery won’t work.” I held my breath and prepared for the worst. Then he waved me through, without even touching my computer. Maybe you think I should have been relieved at the relative ease with which I made it through security, and I was, of course, but more than that I was outraged. I had just stood in line for an eighth of my whole day because heightened security was allegedly of the utmost importance, and those agents didn’t even give a crap! I’m sure if I had darker skin, or perhaps a penis, this would have been much more problematic for me, but really — if passengers have to turn on computers to guarantee they’re not actually bombs, then shouldn’t they at least PRETEND to inspect my laptop when I say I can’t turn it on?

It was then that I realized that airport security is a hoax. No one is looking for threats, or trying to protect anyone else. They’re just going through the motions as the paranoia laws dictate, because that’s what they have to do to collect a paycheck. I feel no safer for having to walk through metal detectors and put my personal items through an x-ray machine so some guy behind a screen can know my preferred toiletry brands and that I enjoy kakuro puzzles. But this revelation achieved nothing, except making me a bit more hostile toward airports, because realizing the security is BS doesn’t mean I can skip it.

Mercifully, security checkpoints aren’t as bad as they were immediately following the 2001 terrorist attacks, but it’s still a giant hassle. I’ve flown dozens of times already this year, and I’ve got some insights about getting through security that could speed it up for you and others.

The federal airport security guidelines are listed here, and it’s important to be familiar with these rules to make sure you pack accordingly. But you should also realize that just because something is permitted, that doesn’t mean it will be easy to get through security with it. The biggest change recently is the ban on liquids. It’s eased up a little bit, but you still have to follow specific instructions to get your liquids through the checkpoints. This is not worth it, as it will cause a holdup while the inspectors check to be sure you followed the guidelines properly. You can buy food and drink at inflated prices in the terminal. Unless you have something that you absolutely must bring with you, don’t even bother. Any items that have restrictions will cause delays for you and the people behind you, even if you are following the proper guidelines.

Always err on the side of caution. It’s not actually legally required for travelers to remove their shoes (if the soles are under 1″ thick) at the checkpoint now, but just try going through without taking them off. I tried walking through in a pair of no-soled flip-flops last month and got a stern reprimand from a power-tripping TSA-hole who made me remove them, even at the very moment that the security recording that plays on a loop got to the part about not having to take off shoes. It’s just not worth trying to get away with anything, even if what you’re trying to “get away with” is perfectly legal. Put any liquids, cosmetics, and things with sharp edges in your checked luggage, and remember that the airport is no place for your lace-up knee-high boots.

In addition to checking the security guidelines before you pack, you should check with any airlines you’ll be traveling with for their luggage guidelines. Different airlines have different requirements, and unprepared travelers are often stuck with fines or left scrambling to rearrange their bags at the check-in desk. Most airlines allow two pieces of checked luggage per person, weighing up to fifty pounds each, but some airlines are cutting down to allow only one free checked bag, and charging hefty fines for additional luggage.

Most airlines also allow one carry-on bag and one “personal item.” The spirit of the term “personal item” is meant to indicate a small briefcase or purse, but many travelers try to get away with just bringing two giant carry-on bags and calling the second their “personal item.” You can often get away with this, as airlines aren’t terribly strict about enforcing their carry-on rules, unless the flight is full. Then there’s simply not enough room in the overhead bins, and passengers are forced to check more luggage — this can be a problem if you’ve packed fragile things in your carry-on, expecting to be able to hang onto them during your travels. It’s best to prepare for the possibility of having to check your carry-ons, just to be safe. Better yet, pack lightly so you won’t have any problem storing your carry-on under the seat in front of you if the overhead bins fill up.

Airport security and airline regulations are constantly changing, so it’s very important to familiarize yourself with the guidelines before you fly. Proper preparations before you arrive at the airport will save you lots of time and hassle. But just in case the jerk in front of you in the security line isn’t as prepared, it’s always a good idea to bring a good book.