The Catherinette Chronicles

Notice the date: today is the 30th.  My car insurance expired yesterday.  I’m currently sitting at my mom’s house printing the 46 pages of my policy.  Boy, is she gonna be pissed when she finds out that I’ve wasted all her ink on that.  What else could I do?  I don’t have a printer at home and it’s not like I’m going to go spend $75 at Kinko’s to print out all this stupid ass stuff.

Super.

Now all I need to do is find a fax machine so I can get that back to my agent.  God, I hope I don’t get pulled over between now and then…

Wish me luck!

Every year Claude spends Christmas with my family.  After eating our weight in turkey and my mom’s delicious stuffing, we drink bottles and bottles of champagne, it’s time to open presents.  Forget waiting until Christmas morning to open up gifts!  We’re freaking hardcore and rip everything open at midnight.  As he does every year, Claude then comes over to my house for our annual Christmas slumber party.  It’s a magical time where we both crash in our own rooms amidst our gifts and dream of sugar plum fairies (which is hilarious because Claude is gay).

On Christmas morning, Claude gave me one more gift.  The gift of Amy Sedaris and Chelsea Handler.  Now I want to return the favor and give that gift to you.

Please to enjoy.

Bet you never thought that you’d see a design by Todd Oldham that looked like that.  And remember, you probably don’t want to use tacks when you’re cleaning out your own dirty bits.

I am a huge procrastinator. 

Why bother doing something that needs to get done when there are so many distractions in the world? 

• Kitchen needs to be cleaned?  Oh!  Let’s reorganize my books in alphabetical order instead. 
• Bathroom floor needs to be scrubbed?  How about I watch everything on my DVR instead. 
• Car insurance need to be renewed by Monday?  I think I’ll go to the mall and look for a new pair of shoes that I don’t need.
• Tooth hurting?  Let’s not go to the dentist until 4 hours before my flight leaves for London.

My car insurance does in fact need to be renewed by Monday.  I’ve known this for over a month.  What have I done about it?  Squat.  I know, I know, I’m so very irresponsible.  I finally decided it was time to call my insurance guy to renew the policy. 

Guess what?  His office is closed for Christmas.  How dare they take vacation when I have finally decided to take care of this.  Selfish!!  Don’t they know that there are people out there in the world who are just like me: idiots that wait until the very last minute to get things done?

I am so screwed!

May you get everything your dirtly little hearts desire!! 

Merry Christmas!!

Santa is lord only knows where right now, and that doesn’t matter.  What matters is that in about 15 minutes I’m going to walk out my front door, drive to my mom’s house, and proceed to drink champagne until it replaces the blood pumping through my veins.

We have 6 adults at my house this evening and have 2 6 packs, 5 bottles of champagne, 3 of red wine, 2 of white wine, 1 bottle of Jack Daniels, and 1 of Bacardi.  After consuming what can only be described as obscene amounts of booze, we shall proceed to open presents at midnight!  Woo hoo!!

I’m pretty sure that tomorrow I’m going to have a really bad case of the cocktail flu.  This, of course, will make it really difficult to cook breakfast for 10 people.  I can’t let that champagne go to waste!!  There are thirsty people all over this world, and it would be a crime.

I don’t hide the fact that my mom can be “special” sometimes.  I mean lick the window, bang your head against the wall, drool while you talk special.  There’s the time that she told me that John Lennon was going to be on TV every night, and that other time that she thought there was a potato in a vodka bottle, and let’s not forget the time that we went computer shopping.

Aw, mom, gotta love her.

Well, it turns out that she can also be quite “gifted” when it comes to dressing herself.  Witness today’s super stylish ensemble.

From the photograph, we can assume which of the following:

A) My mother is fat.
B) My mother just looks like she’s fat because she’s wearing clothes that are too big for her.
C) She is preparing for the great flood as her pants are far too short.
D) She should never be allowed to dress herself ever again.

Let me start off by thanking each and everyone one of you that has HOUNDED me to finish the story.  Oh, it’s a good one.  Might I suggest that you grab yourself a drink and/or a snack and get comfortable.  Ready?  Here we go…

It’s been over a year since we saw each other.  As a matter of fact, the last time we were together was when he was whispering sweet nothings into my mouth as we were making out in a bar parking lot (click here if you need the back story).  Since that time, I found out that he had met a girl.  I found out in March of this year when he came home for a visit.  A bunch of us were supposed to meet up for Happy Hour, and one of my friends casually mentioned that he had brought his girlfriend with him.  I decided that I would go ahead and skip the reunion.  F the two of them.  Now I’m kind of kicking myself because I probably would have found out that they had been together while he and I had hit it 6 ways from Sunday back on 07/07/07 and when we were making out in my car on Skanksgiving weekend.  Several months later they were engaged-I found out when he updated his status on facebook.

But no!  Instead, I found out when he sent me my Christmas card this year.  Last year he had incuded some hot pictures of himself, this year it was a picture of him and his bride to be, plus the letter.  He’s one of those douchey tool bags guys that sends a type written note updating the free world about what’s happened in the last year.  He started off with the “exciting” news about the engagement (gag) and how he had tied the ring around his cat’s neck and the cat had gone over to her with the ring.  I should have known when he told me he had cats that it would never work.  I’m a dog person.  Cat and dog people just aren’t meant to be.  Gag me with the rest of the story about their stupid engagement and how happy they both are and how they’re getting married next summer.  Gag.

On and on he blathered about love and blah, blah, snore, and then it got to the good part.  “It’s been an exciting time for us since we started dating in March of 07…”  March of 07??  That’s 4 months before he put his peen inside me!!  I guess when he told me he was “single” he meant, “dating someone and I’m not going to tell you.”  That dick!!  Oh, but wait.  It gets better.  He continued with, “We also are very excited about our new home here in Douche City, which we bought at the end of last year.”  The end of last year??  You mean the house that you were buying TWO DAYS AFTER you kissed me in the car and told me how nice it was to see me??  Wow, super dick!!

Look, I’m going to be honest with you: I’ve cheated on a boyfriend and I’ve been cheated on.  It’s no good, I know it.  Here’s the deal-when I was the other woman, at least they were up front with me.  Sure, they were disrespecting their relationships, but that was on their shoulders.  At the point I am in my life now, I don’t think I’d go down that road again.  If he had told me that he was dating someone and buying a house with her I would have walked away.  He took that option away from me when he lied to my face.  TWICE.  All this time I thought I knew this guy.  I never in a million years would have thought him the type.  Okay, cheat, whatever, none of my business-unless you drag me into this mess, in which case it’s totally my business.  Man, I feel sorry for his bride to be.

So he lied, he made me the other woman, and it all came out in a Christmas card.  A very Merry Christmas to you too.  Why bother sending the god damned card?  He better f’ing think twice if he’s thinking about sending me an invitation to that sham of a wedding. 

Pretty sure that Santa is going to bring him a big fat lump of coal this year.  And maybe an STD.  Which he totally deserves.

You’re going to need this to understand how shocking Monday’s story really is.  Oh, the humanity!!  Seriously, why is it that I always find myself in these kinds of situations?  The crazy part is that this time I didn’t even know I was getting myself into it until way after it was all over.

Let’s take a few minutes to walk down memory lane and talk about Notebook.  Sweet, hot, Notebook.  I wanted him the first time he walked into my training room.  That’s right, boys and girls, I seriously considered sexually harassing one of my trainees.  Naughty, I know.  There was chemistry, I could tell he was interested in me by the way he held my gaze, and how he always seemed to find me when we were out at the bars on Fridays.  Yet nothing ever happened…

That is until 2 months after he had “graduated” from my class.  He asked me out.  I almost flipped out and peed myself I was so excited.  Life, however, seems to have a way of butting into any potential romance.  Two days before our big date, my grandfather died.  I had to fly to Mexico for the funeral. 

We rescheduled.  Two days before take 2, his grandmother died.  You’d think I might have taken this as a sign that we were not meant to be.  But I don’t usually believe in that kind of stuff. 

We rescheduled again.  Four days before take 3, a close friend of mine died.  Our date was supposed to be the same day as the funeral.  I couldn’t bring myself to go out with him.  I was too sad.

We rescheduled once more, and this time, we were going to GO out.  Not only was it a real date, but it was on my birthday.  He had asked to take me out on my birthday.  My friends and family were pissed when I told them to suck it and that I wasn’t going to hang out with them like I usually did.  F that noise.  Why go out with people that have always been around for you, and that you can rely on in your time of need when there’s a man that might show you his peen on your birthday?

The date was, how should I describe it?  Awkward.  Yes, it was awkward.  We struggled to find things to talk about.  There were uncomfortable silences, there were strange glances between us.  It was painfully awkward.  Still I chalked it up to nerves and pretended that everything was all right.  The date consisted of dinner, and then a movie.  So romantic, we went to see, “Saw.”  I know what you’re thinking, he had a plan.  He wanted me to get so scared that he would have to stay the night with me.  Sure, let’s pretend that’s what happened.

On the ride home, I started to get wicked nervous.  I was so nervous that my hands were shaking and I had started sweating.  What if he tried to kissme?  What was I going to do??  You have to understand that it had been a LONG time since I had found myself in a similar situation.  The last guy that I had been out with that I had really liked was Mr. Big X, and that ended 18 months later in tears.  Suddenly, I found myself in Notebook’s car and I knew I liked him and I just panicked.  For whatever reason, the thought of him attempting to kiss me made me so nervous that it scared me.  Should I invite him in?  Was he going to ask to use the bathroom?  Would he kiss me in the car?  Would he walk me to the door?  Would it be a quick kiss, or a real kiss? 

“Settle the hell down,” I told myself.  I reminded myself to breathe, and prepared myself.  My silky smooth moves still surprise me.  As he pulled into my driveway, I threw the door open, yelled, “Thanks! I had fun!” over my shoulder, and ran into my house.  As I bolted out of the car, I turned to see that he had the most surprised look on his face.  It was as I was slamming the car door that I realized that he had put the car in park and was taking his seat belt off.  DAMN IT!!  He was going to kiss me and I ruined everything. 

That pretty much killed any chance of a relationship.  Over the next few weeks I tried to mend the damage I had made, but it was irreprable.  I chastized myself, and just came to accept that there would be nothing between us-I was destined to a life with cats and no romance.  Until one night a year later.  After a night of heavy drinking, we ended up on the floor of a friend’s house.  Full on hooking up.  Oh, and it was college style-our friend was passed out in the same room.  Once we were done fooling around, I was going to get up and go home.  He asked me to stay.  It would only be a few hours, and we could sleep next to each other.  He slept and I laid awake basking in my conquest.  At 7 in the morning, I drove him to his car.  We made out in the bar parking lot.

He called me the next day.  I was sure it was the beginning of something.  It certainly was the beginning of something.  It was the beginning of me pining away for him while he went on to date a friend of a friend of mine.  Bastard.

Yet, another year later, we found ourselves at a friend’s wedding on 07/07/07.  He had moved away a few months before and we had kept in touch.  He was happy to see me.  He asked me if I was dating anyone, he told me he was single.  He said he missed me.  We were hammered, I was sure I was going to hook up with one of the groom’s men.  Notebook was sitting at the bar, he beckoned me over from across the room, I went.  As I stood in front of him, he whispered, “Come here,” and he kissed me.  5 minutes later we were in my hotel room.  I don’t usually do slumber parties, usually someone’s getting dressed and going home, but the bed was big enough that it didn’t bother me that he stayed.  Until 7:00 in the morning when I woke up and was sure that my hangover was going to kill me and I was going to throw up.  I kicked him out.  We met up later and had breakfast.  We said our goodbyes, and he kissed me in the parking lot.

That November he came home for Thanksgiving and we went out with some friends.  We had exchanged a few random emails, since that night in July, but not much else.  He asked me if I was dating anyone, he told me he was single.  He said it was nice to see me, and that he had thought about me over the months.  He was going home the next day because he was buying a house the day after.  He described the house to me, he seemed very happy.  Later that night, he walked me to my car, and we ended up making out in the car.  It was the kiss to end all kisses. 

But wait, there’s more…

No, really, it is.  I don’t know why on God’s green earth spammers feel the need to send their crap in email.  Are there really any people that still fall for that con that the secret uncle they never knew about that lived in Timbuktu just died and left them $70,000,000 and all they have to do to claim it is to send their social security number and banking information?  Or that the King of Nigeria needs their help and he’ll pay a handsome ransom?  Does anyone really open the emails about Rolex watches?  Come on now!!

Stupid spammers with their junk mail.

What I understand even less, is when spammers send comments to blog.  I get all sorts of random comments that end up in a spam queue (thank you wordpress), all of which immediately gets deleted.  And then, there’s a whole different kind of spam.

Someone, anyone, can you please explain why on God’s green earth the point of this is?

(click on image to enlarge)

No, seriously.  What the hell is that about??

That’s what I just did.  I stole this from A Dating Diary.  Hey, I can’t be creative all the time.  I do, however, promise that you’ll find it entertaining-and that I might find it embarrassing (please, God, please don’t let Air Supply come up on my ipod as I do this…).

The Rules

1. Put iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. (I went ahead and altered the questions to make them more entertaining)
3. Write down that song name, no matter how silly it sounds.

The Results
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?
Entering Bootytown - Haley Bennet (from “Music & Lyrics”)
(Don’t I only wish this were true.  In reality, I’ll be entering boozy Suzy town)

HOW WOULD YOUR LAST BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND DESCRIBE YOU?
Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace
(what the hell does that mean??)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Everybody’s Fool - Evanesence

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY?
Great Balls of Fire - Jerry Lee Lewis
(BWAHAHAHA!!  Hilarious!  I couldn’t make this up if I tried.  Okay, I probably could, but I didn’t.  Or did I?)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP?
Wasting My Time - Default

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Easy Lover - Phil Collins
(God, I’m ashamed to admit this is on my ipod)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Don’t Let Me Down - Dana Fuchs (from “Across the Universe”)
(that should be my motto for my next relationship)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Cloud Nine - Evanesence

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Father Figure - George Michael
(I just threw up in my throat)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Stay or Leave - Dave Matthews
(Wow, this kind of reminds me of this)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Oh! Look at Me Now - Frank Sinatra

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Nice ‘n’ Easy - Frank Sinatra
(Damn it!!  Even in death people will think I was easy)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Smoke - Ben Folds Five

Okay, maybe not as funny as I thought it would be.  Damn it.  I’m going to have to start bringing booze to work to make the posts funnier.  Or else I’ll have to get more music on my ipod…