The Catherinette Chronicles

Yes, these are all real people.

No, those are clearly not their real names. How many parents do you know that name their kids “Debbie Downer” or “Notebook”.

Are all these secret nicknames getting you confused? No need to worry! Here’s a brief description of each of the folks that you may read about:

3D: My hotty hot ex-boyfriend. Mr. Dreamy Dreamboat from Dreamtown. Granted, we may also call him “3rd Degree” because that’s what it feels like when he interrogates me about my past.

Amber: My lovely girlfriend and coworker who is slammin’ hot. She’s got a kick ass body that belongs on a pole, not in Corporate America.

Baby Tramp: The now ex-girlfriend of Lit’l Smokey (see below). We hate her and frequently make jokes about how young she is.

Big Boss Lady: She’s our big manager. She’s like the queen of our department and we are her peons. She’s funny, but strict, and she scares me a little bit.

Bitchy Witch: The awful senior manager who hates me for god only knows what reason. I know that she hates me because she told Big Boss Lady who told me. The Bitchy Witch is stuck in the 80’s-she insists on feathering her hair, wearing scarves around her nesk, cream colored suit jackets, and shoulder pads.

Boom Boom: Oh how she loves to get sayings wrong. Why would you look a gift horse in the mouth when you can kick it in the mouth instead

Claude: My main gay that lives in Dupont.

Damien: Older brother to Lucy(fer), and just as demonic.

Debbie Downer: The depressing, bitter, older coworker with zero luck in dating. I’d feel sorry for her if she wasn’t such a cheap and whiny little brat.

Disney: My coworker who is amusing to me. He’s pleasant, married, and very funny.

Foxy Luv: My fabulous and funny coworker and girlfriend who shares a love of Lit’l Smokey.

Georgia: Girlfriend can put on a southern accent like no one’s business. Plus she introduced us all to the wonders of the 4 Pumps Rule.

Hairy McBacksweat: Ugh, the thought of him makes me want to throw up in my throat. He is gross and I was fat and going through hard times when we dated.

Hooker Boots: One of my coworkers with a massive rack who dresses like a slut at work. She also acts like she’s been spending too much time sniffing white out and eating paste.

Jane (One Date) Wonder: Fellow singleton in Smalltimore. The stories she can tell you about the thrills of online dating. Oh, and she can’t parallel park to save her life.

Jack Ass: He’s the one that makes me want to throw myself out the nearest first floor window. Jack sits right behind me and feels the need to annoy the hell out of me whenever he can. This enrages me.

Lit’l Smokey: My coworker and secret boyfriend. It’s such a secret that he doesn’t even know about it. He’s cute, he’s smart, he’s funny, and he’s a short little guy. Also, he’s secretly in love with me. So secretly that he doesn’t even know about it.

Little Bus: She’s smart, clever, and is a little too long winded when chatting. She also needs to eat a sandwich as she weighs about 3 pounds.

Lola: Another one of my lovely girlfriends. We love her, she’s fun.

Lucy(fer): My little niece. She’s just as evil as she is cute, and the girl is cute as a button.

Michael Kors: My most beautiful and luxurious handbag.  Oh how I heart thee!

Mischa: The divine and petite co-worker who likes to dress up like Sienna Miller in the gym lockeroom.

Mr. Big X: The biggest jerk of them all (at least out of this bunch). We dated, he moved, I broke up with him, we got back together, I went to visit him, he dumped my ass on New Year’s. Hate him.

Mr. Yellow Mustang: A very poor choice I made. We met at a volunteer function, and weeks later ended up making out in his yellow(ish) Mustang. Oh, the freaking SHAME!!

Muffy: The divine and fabulous girlfriend. She’s a pretty diva. We love her and her wonderful bullfrogs.

Notebook: The crush who I like to pretend is gay instead of admitting to myself that he just didn’t like me-until we knocked boots at a wedding on 07/07/07. So hot-and totally not gay.

Phone Boy: A coworker who I thought had dreamy eyes. Came to find out that he has a terrible addiction: to his cellphone.

Saddlebags: The whore bag intern that talks like she’s always asking questions and wants me to slap her in her stupid whore mouth.

Simone: My stupid pimple that visits whenever I have something fun and/or important to do.

Un-boyfriend: He is the anti boyfriend and stands for the exact opposite of everything a boyfriend should stand for. We dated for 2 years, broke up 8 years ago, and continue to be friends. From time to time, this friendship even has it’s benefits (typically this occurs about 1 or twice a year when I have reached extreme levels of desperation).