The Catherinette Chronicles

In addition to working with Jack Ass, I have the joy and pleasure of working with Debbie Downer. Have you ever met one of those people who just sucks the joy out of everything? She’s very much like this. Every time I talk to her it makes me want to wander back to my cubicle and search my desk drawers for razor blades so I can cut my wrists. The woman is as bitter as bitter can be.

Poor Debbie Downer has had the worst luck with family, and with men and is very forthcoming with tales of her unfortunate life. She seems to be someone that just never fits in and wanders from one sad relationship to the next. She doesn’t seem to have many friends-except for The Pooper (she’s called The Pooper because she poops at bathrooms in bars and then doesn’t wash her hands). The Pooper and Debbie Downer are like 2 little peas in the bitterest pod you ever have seen.

I often compare my life to Debbie Downer’s and hope that I don’t end up like her. She’s 10 years older than I am, and has never married. She has never had children. She doesn’t get along with her family. She lives with cats. She is annoying and we can’t stand talking to her for more than 5 minutes. If you ask her a question, she immediately turns it into a 20 minute conversation. And by “conversation” I mean that she talks about herself and how depressing and god awful her life is while you try to drown out the sound of her voice or wish that lightening would strike you dead. She used to sit in front of me at work, and sometimes I’d be forced into “conversation” with her. Another friend of mine would get up, find a phone, and call me. I’d pretend it was an important business call so I could stop talking to Debbie Downer.

Let me give you some examples of how uplifting “conversations” can be:

Example 1:
Me: How was your weekend?
DD: It sucked.
Me: Oh, that’s too bad.
DD: Yeah, my boyfriend dumped me and I found out I can’t have children.
Me: Oh, that does suck.

Example 2:
Pleasant Coworker: I’m pregnant.
Me: I’m so happy for you, congratulations!!
DD: You are the most fertile person that I know. I wish I was like that, but I’m going through early menopause and can’t have children now.

Example 3:
Pleasant Coworker: It’s great growing up with sisters. They really keep you in check and can call you out when you’re a bitch.
Me: Agreed. I can’t imagine having grown up without a sibling.
DD: I never had sisters. I just had a brother and we didn’t really get along. We were like 2 strangers living in the same house.

Is 10 years really all that separates us? Am I on the same track as she is? What a depressing thought. Where the hell are those razor blades. . . ?

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