You want sad? I’ll give you sad. No, it’s not the death of a loved one. It has nothing to do with the cancellation of your favorite TV program. Sadness isn’t losing your favorite shoe to your teething puppy. It’s not accidentally dropping your cherry red ipod into your coffee. It’s not when your pet dies. It’s not the end of The English Patient when he goes back to the cave to find her dead and carries her body away. It’s not when your significant other leaves you for the mailman. It’s not the end of Terms of Endearment when she dies leaving her 3 young children without a mother.
Oh, no. Those things are nothing compared to what I’m about to share.
I’ll give you sad. Ready? Here it comes (that’s what she said).
Sad is being in the middle of romancing yourself with your lover (the battery operated kind) when suddenly the batteries start dying. You can tell that you have about 2 minutes before the batteries are completely drained, but you’re still 5 minutes away from reaching Nirvana.
You hope for the best and keep going. Just like you predicted, 2 minutes later, the thing is dead in your hand. Your vibrator is dead and you’re not done yet.
That’s sad. That’s enough to cause any woman to weep uncontrollably. Especially if there are no other batteries in the house. Oh, and you can best believe that we’re going to be running around the house like maniacs stealing batteries from the closest remote control-assuming that the batteries are the right size.
So you go ahead and think about that the next time you’re upset about something. I want you to say to yourself, “At least I’m not holding a dead vibrator in my hands.”
Always remember.
8 responses so far ↓
1 Mike // Nov 18, 2008 at 10:14 pm
That’s why you’re suppose to buy those mega battery deals at BJs or Sams. Oh well I guess you have to take things into your own hands now.
Oh, trust me, I learned my lesson many, many years ago. I don’t plan on ever reliving such horrible and tragic moment EVER again. -CS
2 Cameron // Nov 18, 2008 at 10:57 pm
So vibrators are as reliable as men? We still have hope!!
Actually, the good part about vibrators is they don’t ever talk back about us, and they don’t leave a mess behind. -CS
3 Jormengrund // Nov 19, 2008 at 9:32 am
The funny part about this:
While running around frantically searching for more batteries, the “mood” lessens..
When you finally hit paydirt, and score more batteries, you assume the position again, only to find that those last 5 minutes have now become 15!
Oh, and did I mention that your replacements then die about 10 minutes later??
Talk about the “glory” of self love..
You see what I mean?? It’s totally sad!! I could cry just thinking about it. -CS
4 Rhea // Nov 19, 2008 at 9:36 am
So, it’s all about the electronics…
Isn’t that always the case? -CS
5 Jormengrund // Nov 19, 2008 at 10:50 am
I’ve got a solution for you:
Switch from DC to AC, and go corded..
Sure, you’ll run up the power bill a little bit, but at least it’ll be there for you as long as you keep your bills paid!
My electricity bill would double. I can’t afford that. I’d have to take a second job… -CS
6 Dog // Nov 19, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Get yourself a married lover. Those guys have to finish the job or you’ll dump them. Cheaper than batteries and they stop by Starbucks on the way over….
Or so I have heard.
7 MPS // Nov 19, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Sad is, after a hurricane, having lost power for FIVE DAYS, realizing that your little friend is run on electricity.
Backup plan now in place
8 Catherinette // Nov 19, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Dog: Been there, done that. Though I hadn’t thought of using them for Starbucks. That’s genius!!
MPS: I actually gasped when I read what you wrote. That is a tragedy!
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