Dear people of the blogosphere,
I need you right now. I’m at home, dying from the plague. Had I been smart, I never would have gone to work yesterday. Yet, I felt obligated to go since I was supposed to do some training. Too bad the market got housed yesterday and my sessions were cancelled. You’d think knowing that would have brought me some solace, but it did not. You see, when I was getting dressed yesterday morning, I noticed something really disturbing: my pants were getting awfully snug around the hips and thighs.
I’m getting fat. My diet of fried food, pure carbs, soft drinks, and booze is finally catching up to me. No longer are the days when I wore size 10 pants without Spanx. Oh no, my friends. We are now entering into the days of size 12s if I suck it in and never breathe again.
You know what this means, right? Gasp! It means back to exercising and watching what I eat. Good bye chicken fingers, good bye french fries, good bye hamburgers, and farewell to you chocolate peanut butter cream pie. Adios 2 cups of coffee with tons of milk in it every morning. It was good while it lasted.
After trying to squeeze my fat ass into my pants yesterday, I made the decision that things were going to change around here. I made some smart choices when it came to meal times. For example, I ordered a turkey burger and water for lunch (with extra mayo and tons of sweet potato fries). Then for dinner I had sausage, peppers, mushrooms, and onions (on 4 slices of pizza that had extra cheese and some pepperoni). I can do this!! In no time at all I’ll be back down to my fighing weight (or so fat that I won’t be able to leave my own house).
So dear people, I’m going to take advantage of being stuck home in my bed today. I’m going to not eat like a pig (basically because there’s nothing pig-like in my house. Oh, except for some chocolate peanut butter cream pie), and drink tea all day.
Your fat friend,
Catherinette
P.S. Someone bring me some blueberry pancakes, STAT!
5 responses so far ↓
1 Sassy // Oct 8, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Great news - You can rest assured that as you have plague, you will lose weight automatically and there will be absolutely no need for dieting. It’s natures way of keeping the pounds off and keeping you at the weight nature desires you to be. Nature wants me to be a fatty and so a fatty I shall be.
Now then, I’ll have some pie thanks, and some of that coffee…and did someone bring the pancakes yet? I realize I’m new around here, but I feel more than comfortable with my demands already. Move over dammit, lets watch some silly old movies and eat Turtle candy and caramel popcorn and Sour Apple Charms suckers.
2 Catherinette // Oct 8, 2008 at 1:30 pm
You’d think that would be the case, but I just managed to choked own 2 waffles and 5 sausages. I’m a pig. I am a pig.
Yeah, listen, I’m gonna get right on that. First I have to throw myself down a flight of stairs, and then stick my finger in the electric socket.
3 Sassy // Oct 8, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Fine. I’m taking my ball and I’m going home.
4 AngieSS // Oct 9, 2008 at 10:46 am
I’m sooooo sorry about the plague you are experiencing — we musta drank out of the same water cooler!
Look, you don’t need to lose the extra weight — all you need to do is figure out how to grow 5 inches taller and you’ll be fine.
In the meantime, say that you are “short for your weight”, rather than fat! :^)
Now, I have to go get my daily fountain Pepsi and Slim Jim’s…
5 Catherinette // Oct 11, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Sassy: Wait! No, don’t leave me!!
AngieSS: Hmm…do 5 inch heels count? I could try that? Or else I’m totally sticking to the “short for my weight” thing. Know what? Slim Jim’s are underrated. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have 3 more slices of pizza with my name on them.
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