The Catherinette Chronicles

What seemed like a good decision this morning is making me want to pass out and die.  I can’t breathe in these jeans.  Seriously, the button is digging into my skin and I’m starting to get lightheaded.  It’s possible that the button will leave a permanent mark.  How on earth am I going to explain that the next time I get naked?  I’m not sure if I’ll make it much longer in these pants.

Last month I started trying to slim down a little bit.  I know, shocking, right?  A female on a diet!  Hold the phones, everyone!  Things have been going pretty well and I was convinced that I had slimmed down enough to squeeze my fat lower half into my size 10 jeans.  Sure, I’m wearing Spanx* and have a tiny muffin top, but still-I can fit into them and they actually zip.  With the muffin top being camouflaged, I’m convinced that it looks like the jeans fit.  Then again, maybe I’m delusional because the pants are cutting off my circulation and I’m not getting enough oxygen.

Here’s a fashion tip from me: if it hurts and you can’t breathe, avoid it at all costs.

*For those of you that have never heard of Spanx, let me give you a little explanation.  They are the most marvelous invention ever created-even better than white bread.  They’re like footless pantyhose that suck in all your wobbly bits.  You wear them under clothes (that you probably shouldn’t be wearing because you’re too fat) and help keep everything in place.  I love Spanx.  Oh, and never ever wear them if there’s any chance that you might hook up with someone.  Nothing ruins the moment like all your junk being released into the night.  Trust me, the boys will run.