Out From Under

Summertime! Time for cold drinks on a hot afternoon, sipped in civilized pleasure from your front porch as you scan the rolling expanse of your lovely green lawn. (If, like me, your front yard is nothing like that, you can nonetheless join me in the fantasy. Your porch — wide and sweeping, embellished with white gingerbread — the land, as it spreads before you a carefully crafted mix of brilliant colours, shading greenery, verdant grass. It’s elegant, no? One of my more PG, but none the less beloved, fantasies.)

Perhaps, instead of a late-afternoon cold beverage, you’d prefer to spend a few minutes in the morning, hot coffee in your hand, savouring the gracious view before you. The lawns, the trees, the flowers, the morning dew.

Elegant.

Civilized.

Erect.

Erect? WHAT is that? Oh, and that, and that? Peppering your lawn are dozens of small-to-life-size… Could it be? You wander over, cup in hand, to check it out.

Yup. Dicks, cocks, penises. Here and there. Willies, johnsons. Large and small. Peckers in abundance.

Some are flaccid.

Some are tall and proud.

Some of them even have the balls attached.

And some you will recognize best if you’ve ever owned a (male) dog.

A closer look, and you see that the cap is covered in a glistening pre-cu mucous. Take a whiff and you’ll soon learn where they earned their colloquial name, because these, my friends, are stinkhorns.

Stink because of the stink and horn because, well, they sure look like horny little items, don’t they? Even the scientists couldn’t miss it: Phallus impudicus — and aren’t they saucy little peckers? Mutinus Caninus — those’d be the canine-inspired variety.

They can pop up literally overnight — even less — becoming fully erect grown in half an hour. Some even achieve a rather daunting ten inches in two hours.

From fantasy porch with sweeping summer vista to a lawn full of turgid, glistening fungi. Pastoral dreams aren’t what they’re cracked up to be.

(eeww)

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 7th, 2008 at 7:44 pm and is filed under Ilona's Take. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.