The fourth orientation
Cats: Ilona's Take|Heterosexuals want to have sex with the opposite gender. Homosexuals want to have sex with the same gender. Equal-opportunity bisexuals enjoy sex with either.
And that’s it, right? One, the other, or both?
Nope. There’s a fourth option. A fourth orientation: asexual.
Asexuals, according to Dr. Cynthia Graham, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, are those who lack sexual desire and have a lower arousability. They don’t tend to differ from sexual humans in masturbation. Their disinterest is not revulsion. They are not typically sexually inhibited or repulsed by sex.
They just don’t care much about sex one way or the other. They’re indifferent. So our options, sexually, are: one, the other, either, or … none of the above, thanks just the same.
Perhaps you’re shrugging your shoulders, indifferent to their indifference. It’s an absence, not a presence — how could that be a problem? When those of us who enjoy sex can find it difficult to find the time or energy for it, wouldn’t it simplify life not to have to worry about it? One less thing on the to-do list?
Sounds good in theory. In practice, they suffer with …
- parents who can’t accept. Parents who want ‘normal’ kids with significant others or, even better, spouses.
- married/partnered asexuals who struggle with the imbalance between their levels of desire and their partner’s/spouse’s
- friends and coworkers who think they’re weird and deficient.
- a society so infused with sex that anyone who isn’t endlessly fascinated by the subject is by definition aberrant. What does that do to your self-image?
- how do you find relationships? Just because you don’t care about sex doesn’t mean that you don’t want companionship and even love and romance. Few sexual people are going to feel fulfilled in a relationship that has everything but sex.
- loneliness. See above.
So yes, there is a need for support groups for asexuals, where they can discuss the issues caused by their sexual reality, where they can be affirmed in who they are, and where they can meet others like themselves.
It may not solve all the problems, but it’s good to know you’re not alone.
February 25th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Ouch. There are times that I genuinely believe that my husband might fall into this fourth category. During some travel last June, there was sex, and a good bit of it — but then, he also was feeling quite motivated to get me pregnant. Since I’ve been pregnant? Very little of anything at all. He swears that it’s stress. It’s my pregnancy “because you’re not really exactly wanting to anyway, are you?”. It’s whatever…
…But I’m terrified that I’m married to a guy I do love, but who will never, ever satisfy me sexually. It would sure feel nice to feel desired.
February 25th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Does he know you feel undesired and dissatisfied? Pregnancy doesn’t always squash your sex drive, in fact your drive can increase; some women even become more orgasmic during pregnancy.
I believe that Asexuality.org, the second link in the post, has an area for “sexuals” married to, or in relationship with “asexuals”. You might find some information there. Best wishes for both of you!
September 27th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
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