miss in your business

Dear Elaine & Sarah,

I absolutely hate my 23-year-old daughter’s boyfriend.  To make matters worse, they are moving in together this weekend.  I’ve told my daughter how I feel about him and in all honesty, I’ve been ugly to him because I JUST CAN’T STAND HIM. Example: When making him a peanut butter sandwich, I let the dogs lick it before serving it. (I know you’re laughing your ass off right now, but it’s true!!!!) They say they “love” each other and when I hear that, I just want to hurl.

 Here’s the question: Should I just keep my mouth shut now or continue to try to talk sense into her? Elaine – if baby G brought home a real loser, what would you do???

Anonymous

Anonymous,

Your behavior isn’t helping the matter. Frankly, the fact that you are old enough to have a grown child yet display such junior-high-school behavior causes me more concern than your daughter’s choices in men (having your dog lick the boyfriend’s food? Really?). Grow up, mom. And if you hate this guy so much, why are you making him sandwiches. I’m sensing that you are the classic “over involved” mom. You need some boundaries and you need to let your daughter figure things out for herself.

Sure, when Baby G is old enough to date, if she comes home with a guy I don’t like, I won’t be thrilled. By I know that if I bombard her with my disdain, it will likely only make her want to date him more – out of spite.

There is an appropriate way to express concern to a child without resorting to childlike behavior. Sit down with your daughter and say, “I love you and I support you and I want you to be happy, but I have some real concerns about your boyfriend because of x, y, z. I just want to make sure this is really what you want to do. You are only 23 and there is plenty of time to find Mr. Right. If you ever want to talk or need me, I’m here.”

I know my response is harsh, but I think it’s the only way to get you to realize that there are better ways to resolve such issues. If your daughter discovers that you are deliberately being ugly to the man she thinks she loves, you will be the one to pay the price – she will distance herself from you.

I hope that instead of reacting angrily, you take a few minutes to think about what I’m saying.

Elaine

Dear Anon,

How is having your doggy lick a sandwich being ugly? I love my little pug Sampson so much! He’s my boo boo woo woo and he always eats my food.

Okay, off track. Sorry.

Yes, your methods are not cool, mom. This may be the first of many losers your daughter dates before (hopefully) finding a good guy. I don’t think it’s your business to get involved. She’s a grown woman and has the right to make her own mistakes. Let me guess: You married a douchebag who treated you like shit and left you for someone else. So you want to make sure you’re daughter doesn’t make your mistake? I’m right, aren’t I?

Well, that’s not how the world works. We all have to make our own mistakes. The more you push, the more your daughter’s going to do the opposite. If she asks you what you think, tell her. If not, stay out of it.

Unless of course this guy is abusive. If that’s the case, all bets are off and any loving mom, friend, relative or coworker should step in and try to help.

Who makes peanut butter sandwiches for a grown up? Just asking.

BTW, you should rent the movie Footloose. It’s all you need to know. It will pretty much become your bible.

Sarah

Dear Elaine and Sarah,

I’m gay and after a silly fight, my girlfriend of two years just dumped me out of the blue and won’t talk to me anymore. I’m heartbroken. 

How can I get her back?

Sincerely,

Lizzy the Lesbian from Los Angeles

P.S.  As far as straight chicks go, you two rock

Dear Lizzy,

In an effort to demonstrate how serious we take this job, we enlisted our resident dyke, Melanie, to help with our answer. Melanie is a super-hot lipstick lesbian from Santa Fe, N.M. She’s been with her partner for eight years but before that, experienced plenty of heartbreak.

Here’s what Melanie said:

“The fight was an indicator of a larger issue. Normal people would not end a two-year relationship because of one fight. Your girlfriend was looking for a way out, and the fight gave her one. Your reader needs to move on. There’s nothing she can do.”

Interesting because this big fat hetero Jew has the same advice (I just started humming “Ebony and Ivory” subconsciously – one love Liz, one love). I don’t think your girlfriend broke up with you because of one fight. If you take some time and reflect on the few months before the break up, my guess is you’d see other warning signs.

A broken heart is a horrible feeling. It hurts badly. But it’s a part of life and, when it happens, there’s nothing you can do other than take the time to properly grieve and move on. Gay, straight, transgender, Republican – everyone who’s truly living life gets dumped at some point in their life. This simply may be your time.

I feel for you and I hurt for you. I promise that as bad as life seems right now, you will find love again.

Unless of course you want to pull a John Cusack and stand outside your girlfriend’s bedroom window with a huge boom box on your shoulders blaring “In Your Eyes.” That could work, right?

Wrong – I’ve tried it – it doesn’t work.

Be sad, eat lots of ice cream and go find the girl you’re meant to be with. In the meantime, don’t stop loving your two favorite straight chicks.

Elaine

Liz,

I’m dying to hear what the fight was about. Did she make out with a dude? Was she pissed that you spend too much time at Home Depot?

Jesus, Liz, it’s killing me. Okay, enough about me.

I disagree with Elaine. Maybe you weren’t paying enough attention to your GF and this is her way of getting your attention.

Show her how much you love her! Send her flowers. Write her love letters! Dedicate a song to her on your local easy-listening channel (I’ve been waiting my whole life for a dude to do that).

Fight for her, Liz!

And if she still won’t talk to you then you need to move on. And when I say move on, I mean take a few months to slut around. You lesbians have it good – no risk of pregnancy, minimal risk of venereal disease, minimal risk of discovering excessive chest hair, THE INDIGO GIRLS ON THE CD PLAYER!

Once you’ve done your fair share of sluterama, go find your wife!

In U-Haul love,

Sarah

I love oral sex and my boyfriend doesn’t.  He likes it when I perform oral sex on him, but he avoids it with me at all costs.  It sucks. How can I change things?

Susan

Susan,

Wish I could clarify, but since I can’t, I’m going to assume that you’ve spoken to your BF about his selfishness. Expecting oral sex and refusing to reciprocate is inconsiderate and frankly, a warning sign of bigger problems to come. I have no scientific data to back this up, but most men love getting their women off; why doesn’t yours?

I don’t expect every dude to love oral sex (my Nathan, for example, is not a huge fan but as I’m not that into receiving, it’s not an issue) but if you really enjoy it, your boyfriend should make a point of doing it.

His lack of consideration worries me – about the future – about his unwillingness to make sacrifices in other areas of your life. This may sound trivial but it could be just the red flag you need to give homeboy the pink slip and move on to greener pasteurs.

If you’re not willing to move on and he’s not willing to move downtown, stop giving him head this instant! Blow jobs are a gift! Blow jobs are like the biggest, bestest, Hallmark greeting card – nothing says “I love you” like a really good blow job. Your BF doesn’t deserve the Hallmark right now. You, my friend, need to launch a full-scale boycott.

Stay strong and for god sake, stay uptown for the time being.

Proud parent of a pretty vagina,

Elaine

Susan,

In case Elaine is wrong (god forbid) and you haven’t expressed your frustration, you should. Men aren’t as intuitive as women and maybe he just doesn’t know that this is something you want.

If you have mentioned it and he’s just being an asshole, you need to visualize Rosa Parks and the Montgomery Bus Boycott. STAY OFF THE BUS SUSAN (the bus being blowjobs). Do not get back on the bus until the freedom bell has rung (freedom bell being your BF going down on you on a regular basis).

Free At Last

Sarah

Carson Kressley

Dear Elaine and Sarah,

All the women in my office seem to compete with each other’s wardrobe.  I’m totally NOT interested in the same thing, but they sometimes make comments about the way I dress.  I don’t want to be a jerk, but I need help - what should I say the next time they have something stupid to say about the way I look?

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

My guess is that you’re a natural beauty who doesn’t need to do much with your wardrobe to look good – hence the rude, catty comments of your coworkers. These women wouldn’t say anything to you if they didn’t feel threatened in some way; they sound ridiculous and I wouldn’t waste my time worrying about them. BUT, I could see how this could become annoying. 

My advice? Let them see how your wardrobe is not really a priority. The next time a coworker makes a rude comment about your appearance, reply with “I know I should take more time with my wardrobe but between the charity work I do every morning between 6 and 8 am, the demanding sexual needs of my hedge fund boyfriend and the marathon training – this will be my eighth, I just don’t have the time to worry about my looks.

If I’m wrong (doubtful) and you’re more of a plain Jane, make them feel like shit – guilt is a girl’s best friend. Something like, “you know Chelsea, it really hurts my feelings when you make snide comments about my appearance. I have some self-esteem issues and you’re not helping the matter.”

This whole thing bums me out because I’m a big believer in the sisterhood – I can’t stand it when women have issues like these with other women. Don’t we have enough to deal with?

Rock it girl,

Elaine

Anon,

Do you by any chance work in accounts payable at the Bank of America in Philly? Cause your situation sounds eerily familiar to a job I had a few years ago.

Elaine’s being too mature. You need to go all gansta on these women; get in their faces and call them on their shit.

Unless of course you wear clogs (or worse) CROCS to work. If that’s the case, we need to call in the fashion police cause Carson Kressley’s gonna put a warrant out for your arrest.

Please anon, for the love of god, do not wear Crocs – to work, to the gym, to the gynecologist. These shoes were designed by an evil man to destroy the fashion lives of women. Sure, they look cute on four-year-old girls. But once you hit puberty, you best be taking off the Crocs.

Okay, sorry for my tirade. Crocs turn me into a crazy person.

I’m sticking to my gansta position. Go off once, on one of these annoying little bitches and you won’t have any future problems. Sometime you should ask how she got her entire 7^th grade class from calling her Elaine the Elephant.

Saralicious (my gansta rap name)

Dear Elaine and Sarah,

I think eating with chopsticks in America is, well, retarded and pretentious. There are lots of ethnic foods we eat in this country without utilizing the cultural methods of eating used by the people in the country of origin. Why do we feel compelled to use chopsticks when, let’s be honest, most of the Asian food in this country is anything but authentic. I work in sales, and I often have lunch or dinner meetings with clients and superiors. When we go out for Asian, EVERYONE eats with chopsticks except me. This makes me feel very uncomfortable. I was even “talked to” about using a fork by the higher ups.

Am I the idiot here? I just refuse to give in on this one. And I hate having to ask for a fork every time I sit down at the House of Wong?

Sincerely,

Meg

Meg,

I completely agree with you. First of all, eating with chopsticks is a pain in the ass – and something I’m not good at. I always use a fork and I don’t care what company I’m in. And you’re right, using chopsticks is one way for white people to show how “sophisticated” and “cultural” they are. Give me a break! It’s the same thing with wine. Ever been to a fancy dinner party and witnessed some douchebag go through the entire “wine tasting” method? I throw up in my mouth a little each time I have to see this.

I would love to see the face of the HR person at your firm when they’re told that you’re being written up for failing to eat with chopsticks. Hold your ground on this one. You don’t have to make a big issue out of it – just say you have difficulty eating with chopsticks. I don’t see any point in making your superiors feel like the tools that I’m sure they are by explaining how Americans who insist on chopsticks at inauthentic Asian restaurants are idiots. 

God bless the REAL Americans (like you and me)

xoxo

Elaine

Meg,

I swear to god Elaine almost burst into tears when she read your letter – tears of joy! The girl has been on her self-righteous “chopsticks are stupid” kick for years! Trust me on this, don’t ever go out for Chinese food with Elaine – you’ll regret it.

While I can see your point, I use chopsticks – When in Rome right? I don’t think you’re unwillingness to use them should have any impact on your job – that is insane. I cringe in terror thinking about the blow up that would happen if Elaine’s boss tried to talk to her about not using chopsticks when out with clients – she would go ballistic! Now that I think about it, I’d kind of like to witness that.

Anyway, I’ve eaten with chopsticks since I was a kid – I do think a lot of people now days do it to feel culturally and ethnically “down.” You do what is right for you – don’t cave in.

We should make a list of all the stupid things educated white people insist on doing to feel superior. I tend to be a complete slacker with no follow through but I’ll talk to Elaine about putting something together – she has plenty of free time (other than the lawyer/mommy/blog thing).

Kick it hard in ‘09 and rock it like a hurricane, sister!

Sarah 

Dear E and S,

My divorce was finalized three weeks ago and for the first time in 15 years I will be single on New Year’s Eve. I’ve been invited to two parties, and both will consist of married couples.

The idea of spending New Year’s Eve surrounded by married people in my small community makes me ill. I have no single girlfriends and am contemplating checking into a fancy hotel in Manhattan (I live on Long Island) and hitting some nightclubs (by myself).

My parents and 14-year-old son think I’m crazy. They think it’s a dangerous idea and believe I will end up scared and alone in the city on New Year’s Eve.

I was married to an extremely controlling man. Throughout my entire marriage I could never spend time by myself or doing the things I wanted to do.

So to me, the idea of spending an evening alone in a big city sounds glamorous and exciting. If I get bored, I can always go back to my hotel, order room service and read my book in the bathtub. Heaven!

Should I do it? I don’t want to worry my family but I feel like I’m finally getting my life back and want to celebrate.

Celia

Celia,

I could kiss you right now! I’m so proud of you for getting out of an unhealthy marriage.

You absolutely should go to New York for New Year’s. If I was on the East Coast, I would insist on meeting up for a drink!

Although I’m happily married, I would be thrilled to have a New Year’s Eve as you described. Go for it! Go to nightclubs! Go out to a fancy dinner! Or, as you said, spend a luxurious evening in a luxurious hotel in the most glamorous city in the world. Reassure your son and parents that you will take the necessary precautions to be safe. There is no reason why a single woman can’t be safe in Manhattan – lots of women do it every day.

I’m so excited for you and the new life phase you’re entering. On this one night, don’t worry about how much money you spend, how many calories you consume, how many drinks you drink, or how late you stay up. Just experience EVERYTHING!

I expect to hear every detail upon your return, so email me again.

You inspire me.

Elaine

Celia girl,

HELLS TO THE YEAH! And if you do get lonely, I happen to know a super hot drummer who lives in the East Village and is currently single! His name is Marco. I already texted him and he said he’d be happy to talk to you about some happening clubs and parties! FYI, he’s kind of a mooch, and if you hook up with him you’ll end up paying for his drinks and cover charges. If you’re cool with that, he’s super fun and amazing kisser (and did I say hot?). If you don’t feel like spending extra dough, don’t call him. Trust me, he won’t have any money. And his apartment is nasty, so meet him out somewhere – don’t go inside!

Elaine and I talked about you all afternoon. We just know this night is going to be life changing for you.

Congratulations on putting yourself first and I so wish I could be a fly on the wall watching you experience everything that New Year’s in the big apple has to offer.

Make sure you write us back.

Hugs, kisses and waterbeds,

Sarah

Dear Elaine and Sarah,

I’m an African-American woman and I work for a Fortune 500 New York City accounting firm. It pisses me off to no end that my firm does not close for Martin Luther King Day. Sure, I could just take the day off as a vacation day but that’s not the point. I feel that my employer should close on this day to honor a great man and the movement he led.

I am one of a handful of black accountants, but there are plenty of brothers and sisters working as support staff. I went to HR about my concern and was blown off.

Should I make a fuss about it or should I just take a vacation day.

Teresa

Teresa,

Once I left college I was really disappointed to find out that most for-profit companies do not recognize MLK day. It sucks. But I think it’s the prerogative of a company to make that call. There are countless holidays that mean something to some employee – whether it be Veteran’s Day or Yom Kippur or the day celebrating Dr. King. I don’t think businesses have an obligation to limit their productivity because a particular holiday holds meaning to an employee – I think it‘s more appropriate for you to use a vacation day if it’s important to you.

And by the way, I think Dr. King’s holiday should be celebrated by all Americans – I don’t think it should be more significant (or more necessary as a holiday) to African Americans. If anything, white folks should be the ones to really reflect and think about the meaning of this day.

One of the best pieces of advice my mom ever gave me was to pick my battles. I encourage you to do the same.

Elaine

Dear Teresa,

I disagree with Elaine. Everyone should have MLK Day off. And not just because it’s another way to not have to work (although I completely support any and all means to limit the amount of work days Americans endure).

You should not have to take a vacation day to celebrate Dr. King’s legacy. Elaine is full of shit. Do you think she takes a vacation day on Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah? Hells to the no! She always demands a free day off for those holidays and of course, because she’s so pushy, she always gets it. Make a fuss! Raise hell! Start a committee. Better yet, make the old, white dudes running the firm uncomfortable. If you corner them in the cafeteria and start guilting them out about the civil rights movement and how your mom spent three nights in jail protesting, THEY WILL CAVE! Old white dudes HATE being reminded about how their race and gender have allowed them to make it to the top. If you need additional input on how to guilt-out the old white dudes, email me directly; I’ve dealt with this issue first hand and can offer countless tips.

Channeling The Staple Sisters as we speak,

Sarah

Dear Miss In Your Business,

I’m a 39-year-old single woman. While I’d love to meet someone, I have not been in a serious relationship for seven years. During that time I’ve been invited to 14 weddings, and at all but one was I was invited without a guest. Describing these events as “painful” would not do them justice. I didn’t enjoy myself and felt very self-conscious at the receptions (where I’m usually seated at a couples’ table – I guess it’s that or the kids table, so the bride decides I’d be better off looking like a pathetic spinster on her big day).

I finally had enough and, when the last invitation came, I called the bride, explained the situation and asked if I could bring a close male friend as a guest.

She didn’t take it well. She was offended and told me that my phone call was rude and inconsiderate. I didn’t go to the wedding and haven’t spoken to the bride since.

I’ve made the decision to not attend future weddings unless they’re a me-plus-one situation. Am I right?

Signed,

Not even always the bridesmaid

Dear Not Always,

Welcome home! You’ve come to the right place. I know exactly how you feel.

I didn’t meet my husband until I was 34, and before him I spent lots of time being single.

I was invited to countless weddings without a guest and endured the same awkwardness you described. These were miserable nights for me – especially when I was seated at my parents’ table with all of their married friends.

Wedding etiquette dictates that single people should only be invited to weddings with guests if they are in a serious relationship. Well, you know what I say about wedding etiquette? Fuck it! Times have changed. Lots of women stay single into their forties – this isn’t 1963 and a bride should want all of her guests to enjoy themselves.

When I got married I left the decision to my single friends. Some of them, who knew just about everyone who was coming, decided that they would have more fun if they went solo. Others took me up on my offer and invited a guest.

My parents have had the same housekeeper for 35 years and I even made sure she could bring her sister so she’d enjoy herself.

The rules need to conform to the modern woman’s lifestyle. You shouldn’t be punished just because you haven’t met your partner, and forcing women to attend weddings alone is often punishment.

My advice? Don’t go.

I wouldn’t ask to bring a guest, but if when you RSVP the bride or groom asks why you can’t make it, I would politely explain how uncomfortable it is for a single woman to attend a wedding by herself. Maybe hearing that would get people to start seeing the light.

Thank you so much for writing. I’m not sorry you’re single because I believe that the best women wait to get married. He’s out there and when you find him, I know you’ll be a most excellent wedding hostess.

Love,

Elaine

Dear Not Always,

UGH!!!! I hate all of those people and I don’t even know who they are.

Do you want to know what really kills me? These are the same brides and grooms who invite dozens of small children to their formal, evening wedding but somehow don’t think it’s necessary to make sure the adults have a good time. WTF?

I agree with Elaine – don’t go. And if they ask you, tell them why.

We need a movement; especially since I too am habitually single and fear that the wedding years (dozens of wedding invitations) will be here soon – there is no way I’m going to endure these events on my own (unless, of course, I’m told in advance about the 37 hot, single-guy attendees).

Yes, weddings cost money and additional guests mean additional expense. But think of all the married people who hate each other who go to these events. What about them? Okay, I guess that argument is dumb, but I’m just saying.

This “etiquette” devalues those women (like you) who don’t settle; who live their lives and find fulfillment without a penis.

Let’s burn some bras, sister!

Vagina destiny forever,

Sarah

Dear Elaine and Sarah,

I’ve been dating a great guy for two months now. I’m starting to really fall for him and think that this could be “the relationship.” We just started having sex, using condoms for protection.

I’ve had herpes for 10 years and for whatever reason, couldn’t bring myself to tell the guy before our relationship got sexual. Should I get it over with now and hope for the best, or should I just keep using condoms and see what happens?

I’m terribly insecure about it and am worried that the guy will dump me when he finds out.

Not-so-virginal Mary

Mary,

First of all, you are so not alone in this situation. I’ve read studies that say one in four Americans has herpes. Lots of people have it and although it never goes away, as you know, it is manageable.

Although you should have told your BF about the herpes BEFORE the sex, I understand why you didn’t. I absolutely think you need to tell him now. Tell him exactly what you told us…that you were scared he would reject you. You’ve been careful and considerate and if he’s a good man, he will be okay with it. If you wait a year, odds are that the dude will be pissed about the dishonesty. And really, how would you feel?

I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m sure it sucks but I really think everything is going to be okay and your boyfriend will understand why you didn’t mention it.

Completely off subject, but I’m currently conducting a poll and would appreciate your input:  tushy sex – yay or nay?

Best,

Elaine

Dear Mary,

Not-so-virginal Sarah here.

Okay, speaking as someone who was given Chlamydia not once, but TWICE by the same asshat boyfriend, I urge you to tell him. Condoms are great but they don’t protect against herpes 100%.

You need to let your boyfriend make the decision for himself. If he bails, he’s a douche. Sure, it will still suck and you’ll be sad, but keeping it from him will turn out to be a disaster.

Most sexually active Gen X and Y-ers are fairly familiar with herpes and know someone who has it. I’ve had partners with it and, honestly, it’s not that big of a deal. Just get the talk over with. You’ll feel so much better when you do.

Loving you is easy ‘cause you’re beautiful, AND if loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Sarahbelle

Dear Elaine and Sarah,

My husband is a Marine stationed in Iraq. He is scheduled to return in six months and, as shitty as this sounds, I want a divorce. I have not loved him for a long time but couldn’t bring myself to leave him because of his deployment – I thought it would be so sad for him to be overseas without anyone back home.

Should I wait until he returns and then tell him, or should I start the process now? I want to be sensitive but I also feel like I’ve been unhappy for years and am ready to get on with my life. There is no other man, but, I’m looking forward to dating – the faster I separate from my husband, the faster I can get out there.

Am I a bitch?

Unhappily Married

Dear U.M.

Wow! Admittedly I read your letter a few times before writing my response. You, my friend, have a dilemma. While I applaud your husband’s service, I don’t think his being in the military should have anything to do with your marriage.

Regardless of how or when you tell him, it’s probably going to come as a complete shock and devastate him. I’m not sure what kind of services are available for military men and women but hopefully, your husband will have some assistance in dealing with his issues.

It sounds like your mind is made up and nothing will change your decision. As hardcore as it sounds, I would get the ball rolling now – for him, as much as for you. That way he’s not returning to the states with some delusional picket-fence-idea of what life is going to be like, and he can start preparing for reality. You didn’t mention kids, so I’m hopefully assuming you don’t have any, which obviously will make your situation a lot easier.

Be prepared for the backlash – especially from his friends and family. I’m sure people will start rumors about affairs and such. Try not to let that stuff bother you – the truth is on your side. And really, it’s none of their business – the only person you need to be accountable to is your husband.

As a lawyer, I urge you to hire an attorney BEFORE you file for divorce and tell your husband. It may sound smarmy but the best way to protect your rights and property is by having sound legal counsel from the jump. Again, your husband will probably get help from the military and you, also, deserve support.

I think you’re very brave and I appreciate your letter. I wish you the best with your new life and hope you find someone, like I did, who rocks your world every day!

Love,

Elaine

U.M.,

Dude. Tell him now. But remember, he may totally freak out and a lot of service men who come back from Iraq are experiencing PTSD, depression, bouts of rage and anger. There have been dozens of spouse murders by military men in the past few years and from what I understand, the military is trying to figure out why and how to stop it. I’m not suggesting that your husband is violent, but his returning from war coupled by the life-changing event of divorce could take its toll. You need a safety plan just in case. I would talk to a counselor in addition to a lawyer. I would make sure you’ve moved before he returns.

You just never know.

Like Elaine, I too think you’re brave and think that every girl should marry her prince.

Sadly, my prince must be living in Uzbekistan or something ‘cause I’m telling you straight up, there are no men out there for Sarah—not even prince-like or junior-prince-ish men.

There are douchebags U.M., douchebags.

Oh yeah, that was the other thing I meant to say: Be prepared for douche central upon entering the dating world. I’m sure you’re going to find a great guy, but you may have to weed through dozens if not hundreds before you get to him.

Go on with your bad self!

xoxo

Sarah